driver's license among teenagers

These days, many car accidents involve youngsters. An organization of accident victims has recently proposed that the age for getting a driver's license should be raised to 19. They hope that this suggestion would reduce the quantity of accidents involving young people. I think that this is a good suggestion.

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Having a driver's license is a huge deal which requires responsibility. I don't think that seventeen year olds know what responsibility really means. As a teenager, I can say that Teens find it hard to be responsible for their daily tasks, then(מיותר) let alone on the lives of others.

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In addition, I think that nineteen year olds are much more responsible and mature than seventeen year olds, especially in Israel. Teenagers go through a process of change in the army. (This)Change which(מיותר) has a big influence on their maturity and make(gr.) them suitable for driving.- This is not enough. It's too general and touches only the surface. Please elaborate further

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To sum up, the age of nineteen is the suitable age for driving. After joining the army and be(gr.+ww.) on their own for the first time, teens become independent and responsible enough for having(gr.) a driver's license. I hope, due to this suggestion, the road will be a safer place.

Good work.

(88)

Daphna

Sudoku

Many people believe that puzzles in the newspaper are a waste of time. On the other hand, these(ww.) are others who find puzzles, such as Sudoku, very exciting.

I strongly believe that Sudoku is a game which promotes a high level of thinking. For example, there are many levels of difficulty. The hardest level takes over an hour to solve. Moreover, nowadays we have a lot of free time. Sudoku is a good positive way to spend free time, unlike television.(Explain, why is it more beneficial than watching TV?)

In addition, Sudoku is like a drug for some people. It is addictive but in a "good way" because it develops our thinking as opposed to an addiction to Facebook.(This is not enough. You need to elaborate further)

To sum up, addiction(addiction is not the issue here) is not a very good thing. However, what would you prefer, your son spending six hours a day on the computer or solving mind challenging puzzles?

Nice. I need you to develop your 3rd paragraph properly and correct the beginning of your last paragraph.

(80)

Daphna

Where is your 3rd writing task?

Youth and nutrition

For a long time there was a lack of awareness to nutrition. People were unaware of the consequences of eating unhealthy food. British chef, Jamie Oliver, had succeeded to replace the unhealthy food served in Britain's schools with freshly cooked, nutritious food. I support Oliver's actions in favor of the British youth.

First, his campaign raised the awareness of the importance of eating healthy food, especially for teenagers. By replacing their unhealthy lunch meals with healthy ones, the students will get used to the fresh, healthy food and might even like it. Therefore, students will start taking care of their nutrition by consuming nutritious food in general.

Second, the consequences of students eating healthy food are incredible. Aside from the healthier lifestyle, teachers reports(gr.) that there is definetly(an) improvement of(ww. - in) the concentration and academic performance of students. In addition, parents report that their child's behavior improved; their kid was(ww.+gr. - has become) politer and calmer.

To sum up, I think that Oliver's actions to improve the British youth's nutrition did nothing but good to the entire nation. I hope other countries would adopt and implement his ideas.

Much-much better. Well done.
(93)
Daphna

I need to see your second essay.
Daphna

Where is your address and date?

Who are you sending this letter to?



Dear Sir/ Madam,

I would like to apply for admission to your school(to what course?). Your university is one of the top 10 in the world and is equipped with the most advanced technology.

I am currently a student in high school and I will be completing my studies on July, 2011. I understand you have an excellent course in biology and that your biology laboratories…(?). I would be grateful if you could send me more information about the course.

I have majored in Chemistry and Biology and am now graduating my science studies in high school. I am a hard working person and very motivated to succeed. I would be happy if you could send me an application form.

I look forward to hearing from you,

Truly yours,

Orly David.

Your work is not completed.
(80)
Daphna

Writing Assignment no.12

Kibutz Galuyot Street
Holon
April 18, 2010

See the World
14 Shenkin Street
Tel-Aviv

Dear Sir / Madam,

I am interested in going on an organized trip to the United States through your travel agency. I am writing this letter to request more information about the tour. I am 18 years old and I have been to France, Britain, Belgium, Holland, Crete, turkey and Poland. I have been only once in an organized trip in Turkey.

I am interested in a 30 day trip which includes New York and the countries and cities around it, like New Jersey, Philadelphia, Washington DC, and Massachusetts. I wish to see every important site there is in New York City, such as the Empire State building, museums etc. I also wish to see natural sites like the Niagara Falls.

In addition, it would be helpful to have more specific details about the hotels we are staying in, the sites we will be visiting and the transportation. For example: will we rent cars or travel in one bus? Will we have local flights? I would like you to send me the exact schedule of the tour.

I hope to hear from your agency soon and I am looking forward to this exciting trip.

Truly yours,

Jennifer Mozely.

(97)
Daphna

A Radio Program

14 Kibutz Galuyot Street
Holon
April 8, 2010

Station manager
Galgalatz
50 Rotshiled Street
Tel Aviv

Dear Sir / Madam,

I wish to suggest a special one hour radio program suitable for teenagers. This program will deal with advice for teenagers.

In this program teenagers can share their problems, for instance, peer pressure, by using the telephone. They will get advice, from a certified resource, which would help them deal with those issues, for instance, how to cope with peer pressure.

This program is important because teenagers no longer have to be ashamed to share their problems with their relatives. They can share their problems and not be identified. It also allows them to get advice how to solve their issues. Moreover, this advice is helpful for the program's listeners whose problems are probably similar to the teenagers calling the show.

To sum up, this program will interest many teenagers and will help them achieve their goals.

Thank you for considering my suggestion.

Truly yours,

Jessica Bill.

Better. You've added an ending, but there are a few problems at the end of your last paragraph.
(85)
Daphna

A trip to Poland

A Trip to Poland

My trip to Poland was the most wonderful and exciting experience I have ever had in my entire life. This journey is an organized trip from school, which takes students and companion teachers to the places where 6 million Jews were cruelly murdered during world war II. It was the experience of a lifetime and I wish to do it again sometime.

Our trip began on February 28th and ended on March 7th. When we got there it was really freezing. However, We were well equipped with warm clothes and high shoes, so we handled the cold well. The journey began at the airport in Warsaw and then took place at the following sites: Kielce, Krakow‏, Birkenau, Auschwitz‏, Lublin, Majdanek‏, Treblinka and then back to Warsaw‏.

During this journey there were many parts which were emotionally difficult for us. For example, when we were in Auschwitz we saw all the Jews' belongings from suitcases to hair. We also had a ceremony "Each Person Has a Name", in which each person said the name of relatives who were killed in the "holocaust". Another difficult place was Majdanek, which was a work and destruction camp. All the gas cabins, crematoriums, hundreds of thousands of shoes and the ash mountain made everyone get emotional and cry.

To sum up, this trip is a life changing experience which reminds me everyday how grateful I am to live here in Israel, to have a high quality life and how proud I am to be Jewish. The country we established in Israel is the true victory of the Jews on the Germans, who tried to eliminate us. I believe that every Jewish(מיותר) must join this journey. It is an unforgettable powerful experience.

Great work.
(95)
Daphna